The Pinholian Zodiac - Reassessed
Categories: Science,parody,Reference,Horoscopes,Holiday,Humor
Although the term “Zodiac” means “circle of little animals” in Latin, in Molvanian it means “random unrelated items”. The Pinholian Zodiac, unlike similar concepts, is terralogically based and, on closer inspection, it becomes obvious that Terralogy is much more grounded and scientific than competing practices. Rather than relying on location of the planets and stars, Terralogical signs are based on toe girth. Readings are made from worm migrations instead of something as arbitrary and irrational as date and hour of birth.
The Pinholian Calendar is divided into 9 unequal parts; some months getting more days than others because they have proven themselves more worthy. The Terralogical signs are, in order:
Asparagus
M&M’s
Sofa
Mason Jar
Reversible Drill
Coffee Table
Autoharp
Backhoe
Marionette
The New Year starts on March 18th with Asparagus. Fortunately, this is a relatively short period and not one aspired to by many.
The typical Asparagean has an aversion to the color red and is physically unable to roll their “r’s”, leaving these tortured souls never knowing the joy of singing “La Cucaracha”. They habitually chew their fingernails and one earlobe is usually fatter than the other. No matter what style of jean they purchase when they get home the pants will always be 1 size too small. Their kitchen phone cord will continually have at least 1 kink in it. They accumulate ballpoint pens at an alarming rate, but have trouble stringing enough words together to write a legible sentence. Their right leg is invariably longer than the left and their mother made her living performing a one-woman re-creation of the musical “Carousel” in bowling alleys throughout Wisconsin.
For a personal reading feel free to contact Pinhole; however, he’s a terminal procrastinator and may never get back to you.
Damn, I wish I was an M&M.
Pinhole's Shop
Wow, when the word about this gets out, there'll likely be a rush to conceive so that offspring will be born under the sign of Backhoe! At least by those who may have even the foggiest idea of when that is and what it represents.
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Yes, Montucky, Backhoe remains somewhat of a mystery. I'll have to work on that.
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I would like to request a reading, please. Instead of losing socks in the dryer, I accumulate them. I can’t stand sauerkraut, and I firmly believe that the gene pool needs more lifeguards. Oh, and I was born at the end of March.
What do you think? Do you need me to scan a picture of my palm? Or that extra skin on my elbow?
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Wolf, from everything you've told me, I'd say your lucky number is 7and1/8th; either that, or it's your hat size. In less than a fortnight you will channel Django Reinhardt; begin to speak French, involuntarily; get in an argument with Stephane Grappelli, and permanently alter the Jazz timeline.
You should be ashamed.
Now, give me back my socks.
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Ce chou est moisi. Mes orteils sont verts. Comment allez-vous ?
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See? I tried to warn you...this is how it starts. Watch out for Stephane, I hear he can be a real rascal.
(Your cabbage is mildewed?)
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I once dated an Asparagean and must concur with your judgment about the jeans sizing. What you neglect to mention in this excelllent summary of the characteristics of the Asparagus-born, however, is the unfortunate tendency to think that the Macarena is a dance suitable for public performance. I've heard that this is a trait shared with those born under the sign of the Marionette, too -- your thoughts?
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My thoughts are that if you dated someone who dared to do the Macarena even in private, much less in public, you don't have the slightest chance of ever going to Hell. You've paid your penance.
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I firmly think with great conviction that you must under all circumstances will your brain to science.....it is truly one of a kind!
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Can I wait until I'm done with it? Or, do I have to give it up, now?
Some will find it a great relief, if it turns out my brain really is one of a kind.
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I can honestly say that your reassessed zodiac brought me to tears. Make of that what you will.
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I know what you mean...I get rather emotional over Asparagus, myself.
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