Although there is much speculation surrounding traditions stemming from the first Thanksgiving, we know for certain an Iroquois woman by the name of Onomatopoeia brought the Jell-O salad.  It seems that Onomatopoeia, or, "Trixie" as she was known to close friends and tribe members, had also been assigned the task of covering the event for the tribal newsletter, The Iroquois Weekly; but due to editing demands, the only portion of her account to make the final printing was her gelatin recipe.  Hence the speculation.

While theories vary slightly, most historians are now in agreement that the first Thanksgiving was most likely the culmination of an all night Bingo/Croquet tournament between the Indians and the Pilgrims.  A celebration held in gratitude for the bountiful harvest and the timely emergence of the concept of "Middle Management".  According to recently discovered documents, the Indians had agreed to provide the corn and Bingo cards, but procuring the croquet equipment was the responsibility of Dwight, the Pilgrim supply officer.  As the result of a clerical error involving a misprint on the order form Dwight, at the last minute, found himself with a surplus of mallets and wickets, but, unfortunately...no balls.  He was immediately promoted and a system was born which has been refined over the course of history to the point where corporations today contain so many complex levels of management that many are hardly discernible from rare breeds of trout.

As dawn approached and the Bingo caller grew hoarse, enthusiasm began to wane, and the ground hogs that were substituted for the croquet balls became rather matted and pulpy.  The remaining revelers, in a show of friendship and good faith, declared the competition a tie.  In honor of their newfound brotherhood the leaders of both groups pronounced a day of feasting.

Since it was Thanksgiving and all of the major supermarket chains were closed, the hungry partiers had to make do with what they could pick up at the 7-Eleven.

With these meager pickings, and on such short notice, the womenfolk, and a few of the men with a flair for color and design, were still able to assemble lavish trays of fruits and vegetables, and fashion a Spam-loaf bust in the likeness of Miles Standish.

A shroud of contentment had enfolded the gathering when Dwight, exhibiting incredibly poor judgment and lack of foresight, broke the silence asking, "Who wants more Jell-O salad?"

The entire crowd rose in unison and the ensuing melee was raucous and frightening, though, mercifully brief.  When the dust and Spam had cleared Dwight was barely distinguishable from the ground hogs littering the croquet court...yet, the Jell-O recipe survived.

Tradition just chuckled and crept away.



  Happy Thanksgiving


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