Massacres or Chocolate Kisses: Either Way, Hallmark Is Surely Ecstatic
Aaah...February. The month of hearts and presidents. Not only do we celebrate the birth of two of America's most famous statesmen, but lavish our loved ones and sweethearts with gifts of pewter and Vienna sausages.
Any mention of Valentine's Day inevitably triggers speculation of the many myths surrounding the holiday. My personal favorite involves Hypothalamus (the Greek God of Innuendo), eleven nubile island beauties, and a vast array of ancient cooking utensils. Of course, other's tastes may not lean this much toward the ethereal.
But more and more in our society the function of mythology is being replaced with scientific inquiry. While other animals seem to operate purely by instinct, only man, so far, has attained an intellectual level that obliges him to examine every facet of his natural existence to the point where he is barely able to function. Now, in place of spiritual speculation, we can reference any number of erroneous facts gathered through federally funded studies of the human condition. From "A Complete List of Erogenous Zones in Female Primates" to "Kissing Habits of the Bolivian Tree Frog" the topics of research seem inexhaustible. Yet, in spite of this Herculean effort to know ourselves more intimately, we appear no closer to revealing the true essence of our emotional bonds than our most primitive ancestors.
However, amid the continuing quest, a few certainties have been established. As best we can comprehend courting in mammals, human rituals are exclusive in their involvement of a Tequila shooter and the phrase, "What's your sign?” And, it has become obvious that we alone in the animal kingdom are truly able to understand, appreciate, and combine the values of love, companionship, and vinyl underwear.
If you truly wish to say "I Love You"...say it with Naugahyde®.
I always enjoy the creative names and titles you put forth. But tonight I am wondering if the studies you named here are products of your imagination or are they actual studies being funded by the government!
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With congress...one never knows.
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Very enlightening! And here I thought it was simply a ploy to keep the merchants adequately supplied with money until the next major holiday, "spring fashions".
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I think the extra funds are just a fortunate by-product.
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You have inspired me. This year I shall give the wife a pewter Vienna sausage, wrapped in Naugahyde.
I think she'll love it.
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I'm pretty sure you can't go wrong with that combination. Just ask my ex-wife.
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OOOOHHH, Naugahyde®! Visions of polyvinylfloride dancing through my head.
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Wasn't Polyvinylfloride Marie Osmond's partner? Maybe I'm thinking of someone else.
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This is a lovely and accurate assessment of the current devolution of man. You've covered all the bases - particularly with respect to our compulsion with analyses.
However, I must take exception to your promotion of the nearly extinct nauga.
These defenseless creatures, indigenous to Connecticut, were nearly wiped out during the 1970's.
As their skins became less fashionable among the grunge element, the naugae have begun to reestablish their colonies.
Please remove this gratuitous reference to naugahyde. Let the adventuresome purveyors of haut couture know that there are more viable options (viable being an unfortunately appropriate operative term.)
Skins: available at golf courses, worldwide
Furs: recycled hairballs need not be discarded (sorry, Gwendolyn!)
Pelts: go to any off-off Broadway production where tomato-tossing is encouraged.
Thanks for your consideration.
Do keep up the great editorials!
Cheers,
Mitch
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Thanks, Mitch, and I'd love to oblige, but I'm afraid I've made it a personal policy to never cater to individual causes...unless there's a profit in it.
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I have noticed, this Valentine's Day, that the Pinholian zodiac is making a real impact. I heard the "what's your sign" question answered with "M&Ms" more than once, if I am not mistaken.
Not that I was asked the question all that often or anything.
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"M&M's" could be the answer to any question. I'm thinking of buying an "M&M" tree.
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