This week we will be celebrating the anniversary of the creation of the known universe.  Just 37 years since the series of events that resulted in the eventual formation of the Milky Way Galaxy, and in turn, our own solar system, known to other solar systems simply as “Bob”.

Some folks, even today, are under the impression that the Universe was created as many as 70, 80 or even a hundred years ago.  PISH and TOSH!  These people have been misled by what we used to call “History”, which we now know is merely a series of rumors, innuendo and special effects, with characters like Da Vinci, Einstein and Mighty Mouse made up out of nowhere just to make the rest of us feel inadequate; kind of like siblings.

But, given the latest methods of calculation, and through some really pertinent dream sequences, I’ve established the age of the Universe at 37 years (provided one adheres to the O’Rourkeian calendar, which contains 12 months, 365 days and a dash of vermouth).  Besides, what other possible explanation could there be for the fact that I can’t remember anything prior to the eighth grade?

Theories on the origins of the universe abound, and I believe it’s time to put an end to the speculations.  I’ll outline the facts in chronological order so they will be easier to follow.  First, it was necessary to find a really big shoebox, remove the top and flip it on its side.  Then, they (exactly who “they” are has been a source of contention for the entire 37 years that the universe has been in existence and not a controversy which we will attempt to rectify here) painted the inside of the box a matte black, punched little holes to resemble stars and hung various sizes of spheres with sturdy thread to make up the planets, and such.

I realize there will be those who possess differing views, but these people, obviously, didn’t have the opportunity to study Bif Fletcher’s diorama at the Third Grade Science Fair as thoroughly as I did.

What’s that?  You have doubts concerning my conclusions because I haven’t explained the phenomena of day and night?  HA!  Why do you think “they” kept the lid?

Happy Birthday, “Bob”.

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