Open Up! Physics Police!
Newton didn’t just steal Kepler’s Laws of Planetary Motion for his own purposes; he also discovered that a Golden Delicious apple, though less dense than a McIntosh, is crisper when refrigerated to 39 degrees Fahrenheit.
Centuries later, Einstein was able to improve on Newton’s theories when riding on a train, going 50 miles per hour rounding a bend at dusk, he realized the reading light was better in the dining car than his sleeping berth.
By the time Hawking rolled onto the scene quantum mechanics had pretty much thrown everything up for grabs. Several scientists had already slightly revised Einstein’s work, as well as starting an Australian airline.
A good tweaking in the world of science is probably way overdue; and although my understanding of physics is limited to the knowledge that if you strap a piece of buttered toast to a cat’s back and drop it off of a porch it will land cat side down 3 times out of 4, provided the dog doesn’t interfere, and that you have to call your pocket when shooting the 8 ball, I’m pretty sure I’m just the arrogant prick to do the tweaking.
With that in mind, on my recent trip to Yellowstone I came upon a discovery that renders our current measurements of time and distance obsolete. No more miles, or minutes. Part way to Mammoth I popped in a new CD and realized that I had already traveled 3 Pink Floyds. By the time I arrived I had traveled 4 Pink Floyds, 2 John Prines, a Hanna-McEuen and a David Gilmour. Another recent trip took me 6 Pink Floyds, 3 John Prines, 2 Tom Waits, a James Talley, 3/5ths of a Randy Newman and a Bill Mumy.
Last week I contacted all of the major automobile manufacturers in an effort to convince them to install CD changers that will hold a minimum of 34 CDs in lieu of speedometers and odometers. Dust off those plastic discs; they promised to get back to me.
At this rate, it may not be long before music completely eliminates the need for physics. Students across the land will, forever, revere me. Now, if we could just get rid of chemistry...
In the meantime, have you calculated the number of notes to your favorite get-away?
If you get rid of chemistry, where will all the people work who now are employed at DuPont or Dow?
And did those quantum mechanics start the airline or just work on the planes?
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I think the mechanics were merely employees.
And I just threw the bit about chemistry in to please my nieces, and get a dig in at my cousin...who I believe might read this blog, occasionally.
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You're definitely on to something! Does this mean then that we can now convert mileage measurements from miles per gallon to miles per CD and as a consequence completely eliminate the need for gasoline?
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Sorry, I've only managed to eliminate time and distance. To eliminate gasoline we may need chemistry, after all.
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Just when I thought it was safe to come out of my brain.
Man, you rock!
I was just admiring the fact that I can hear the best part of Beethoven's 9th over and over, because between point A and point B the ancient CD player that I've lashed to my mini-van with a cigarette lighter doo-hickey and a Radio Shack cassette thingamabob, when set to random mode, will ALWAYS replay the last track it remembers.
I get through three fifths of the ninth and, upon reaching point B, unceremoniously flat-line the CD player by yanking out the doo-hickey.
By the way, my favorite part is what we called "Bells are Ringing" on the kiddie sheet music. "Ode to Joy" is the boring grownup name for that passage, I believe.
du,du,du,dah - dah,dah,du,du
du,du,du,dooo -dadoo-dooooooooo!
With headphones, I discovered a whole new physical dimension of multiple oboeification and kazoo.
All this to say, the universe is a little older than 37 years...HAH! (fooled ya)
Cheers,
Mitch
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You had three-fifths of a ninth of Beethoven...and they still let you drive?!
Darn, wish I had a doo-hickey.
Thanks Mitch.
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Ha-ha!
Yeah, I showed the good ossifer my cak-alater and prov' 3/5th of 1/9th izz only point seven eleven, which is where I bought the stuff in the firs place.
Plus, he waz jist a rookie, seeing as all the other foine ossifers were trying to deal with all them Pink Floyds you knocked back!
>hic!<
Mitch
P.S. I got yer artist uhgreemint back at muh place. Follow me...
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Right behind ya. Thanks.
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I knew you were just the guy to come up with a world-changing new science for us.
I've actually been using a similar method of time-keeping when I go for a jog here in Shanghai. I don't really have a good place that marks off distances, like the track where I run back in Singapore, but I know roughly how many songs I listen to on my run. I just listen to about that amount while I jog, and consider it a full day's work. It's so much less tiring — think I might have slowed my pace a bit too much?
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Thanks PC. I doubt you've slowed your pace. If I tried running I'm sure I would pass out after a fraction of a Paul Simon.
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My last trip took 3 Dane Cooks, 5 Bad Religions, and 1 Killers! I knew we were related - I just never know whether to be pleased or terrified!
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The Killers are cool.
I should be pleased, you should be terrified.
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You've left out a foot note
O'Rourke, Starr, O'Rourke
1991 Buttered Toast - Feline Equilibrium Paradox: An Experiment in Levitation. Family Bar-B-Que, Eudora KS, July 4.
Granted the study did not withstand peer review. It seems we failed to account for the effects of the scotch tape and, as you mentioned, the saliva of a Basset Hound/German Shepard mix (short little legs but loved the toast).
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Thanks for the correction.
And if I recall correctly from your published results, the cat really didn't have its heart in the research.
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