Accidental Sex
Posted by Pinhole at 3/13/2009 8:14 AM 
Categories: Dick Van Dyke, Humor, Writing, Carl Reiner, TV, Thoughts
Categories: Dick Van Dyke, Humor, Writing, Carl Reiner, TV, Thoughts
The premise for today's lecture is based on personal observation. Whether it really happened, or was simply the consequence of one too many naps during THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW is completely irrelevant to anyone but my therapist. The important thing is that some of what I believe I might remember stands at least a slight chance of seeming plausible.
I'm pretty sure this first part was a dream because it was rather abstract, surreal, and all fuzzy around the edges like when Rob Petrie used to dream about Laura and Richie on the old "Dick Van Dyke Show".
I recall a talk show stage set with three chairs. Seated in two of the chairs were, if we were to employ a very loose interpretation of Webster's definition, a man (we'll call him Bob) and a woman (we'll call her Lorraine). Apparently, the man was being castigated by the audience for having had an affair with his wife's sister's pet llama (we'll call it Bernice). Lorraine actually seemed more concerned that Bernice had stretched her best white lace teddy beyond recognition and that the two had almost completely destroyed the upholstery in the back seat of their Pinto.
At this point I must have awakened because my regular theme music came on and Carl Reiner gave a short narration explaining my return to consciousness.
Focusing on the real television in my bedroom, and judging by the appearance of the couple on the screen, Webster and I would both need to seriously reconsider our position on Homo Sapiens. As it turned out, Bob actually had experienced an illicit encounter of some sort, and in the middle of the screaming, before Bernice even had a chance to tell her side of the story, he attempted to rationalize the whole thing by claiming it was an "accident". Being a single adult male I began immediately, and for the next few days, to ponder the mechanics involved in having your reproductive organs inadvertently land someplace you hadn't originally intended. While the concept seemed intriguing, the prospect was rather frightening, and as a precaution I was careful to see that my pants were secured, day and night, for several weeks.
Of course, if Bob were to manage to plead his case successfully it would open quite a can of worms. So to speak. Senator's caught in flagrante delicto with their secretary slash lap dancer would only need bat their eyelids a few times and mutter, "Where am I?" Astrologers with Mercury rising, or Pluto in Uranus, well...that's just sick. There can't possibly be any justification for that kind of mistreatment of one of Disney's most beloved characters! We have to draw the line somewhere. But, who is to determine where that line is to be dra...yes, a question in back?
Why did I happen to be watching The Springer Show?
Um...How should I know? I was asleep.
Ask Carl Reiner.
I always wondered why my dad kept his Pinto for so many years, despite the warnings of it being a fire hazard.
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Your Dad was on Springer?!
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I wish I had regular theme music. Who do I contact?
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You could undoubtedly write your own. But if you get stuck I can give you a name.
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Funny stuff, Pinhole. Reminds me of a poem I wrote recently. I've just dropped it to you by email, if you want to have a look. (Actually, since I've already sent it to you, I suppose it's whether you want to have a look or not.)
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Thanks.
Great poem, by the way. Thanks for sending it.
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Heck, that's much better than the Springer show; more imagination. You'll be getting a call from them when this gets around: ask for lots of money!
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Thanks, Montucky.
At this point I'd probably set aside my principles and take their money. No call, yet, though.
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Oppps!
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It can't be accidental. And what's after? Accidental pregnancy?
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