The Great Grammar Debate
Posted by Pinhole at 3/15/2009 8:11 AM 
Categories: Language, Juxtaposition, Literature, Writing, Humor, Books, Mardi Gras
Categories: Language, Juxtaposition, Literature, Writing, Humor, Books, Mardi Gras
Immediately following a supposed routine doctors visit when I was in second grade, I was hospitalized for what the learned physician had determined was "colon" trouble. This was my first introduction to evidence of the importance of punctuation. Imagine the sheer terror, approximately 2 weeks after my release, at being asked by Mrs. Driscoll to step up to the blackboard and diagram an entire sentence. Beads of perspiration emerged from my forehead as I approached the front of the room, feeling certain that misplacing anything so vital as a predicate would involve, at the very least, a lengthy stay in a nursing home.
Language can be a funny thing. Unless you're seven years old. And of all modern word systems ENGLISH has to be one of the most perplexing. Obscure spellings with "silent letters"; words with 2, 3, sometimes 4 or more meanings; several different words with the same meaning; and, as far as I can tell, commas are just up for grabs.
Even the terms used to describe particular aspects of the language are, at best, misleading. As a child, for example, I thought that a "participle" was an icy treat Mom kept in the freezer as a reason to send us out of the house on those hot summer afternoons. Of course, now I know it is a reference in religious circles to any one of Jesus' more notable followers. And I'm still convinced that "Gerund" was the kid who sat behind me in 6th Grade.
In an effort to eliminate this kind of confusion it was determined that language should be governed by certain rules. Rules for grammar. Rules for spelling. Rules for punctuation. Rules obviously written by a committee of drunken dyslexic chimpanzees during Mardi Gras, rendering said rules, as in the case of welfare reform, completely incomprehensible.
There are actually more exceptions than rules. Many of them developed during the cold war to prevent soviet spies from decoding the defense department's Fingerhut order forms. Departures from established procedures, such as; "i" before "e", except after "c", or, when followed by the long "eeee"sound, or, if Great Aunt Beatrice's liver spots begin to fester prior to the autumnal equinox, in which case women over age 37 may continue to wear white through Groundhog Day, and we'll have six more weeks of adverbs.
And no discussion of English as a means of communication could be considered complete without the mention of "Slang". "Slang", as we all know, was the nickname of the revered chairman of the aforementioned committee of chimps, who also served as "Bacchus" in the parade. His grieving widow has asked that his true identity not be revealed after that unfortunate incident with the "Preparation H" float. She's just relieved that he no longer suffers any painful itching or swelling.
I must clarify, in closing, that as contradictory as the instructions seem for manipulating our language, we must have them. The alternative would be chaos, pandemonium, and the probable devaluation of the American advertising dollar.
To do my part to save our country from linguistic anarchy I'm planning an intense afternoon conjugating some verbs.
But first, the nurse says I need to get my rest.
Don't worry about it Pinhole. Our language is now meaningless anyway (note political statements, news stories and advertising).
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Either meaningless or ludicrous. Perhaps a fine line between the two.
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Hope you're feeling better soon. What're you in for?
I split my infinitive once - very, very painful.
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Thanks.
Jeez! What sort of splint do they apply for a split infinitive?
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The complexity of our English language is central to the survival of both society as we know it and the American economy. Without it, there would be no need for English teachers, colleges to train them, or books to remind you of everything you forgot that your English teacher told you (especially useful when in college . . . a whole job security thing for them). Without it, I think our health care systems would become obsolete as well.
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A rather holistic approach. DNA often wrote of the interconnectedness of all things.
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As bad as colon trouble is, I suppose it is better than having a semi-colon.
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Truer words were never spoken. Or, if they were, we'll ignore them for now.
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Care to join me for Chinese class tomorrow?
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Okay, you win.
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The Count loves his mother tongue, but like all good sons (read :men) is not always the closest observer of her needs and rules. One tries! Count Sneaky
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Thanks Count. For your bits of wisdom, and for the visit!
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I must advise you not to leave dangling participles anywhere. My fifth grade English teacher drilled this into us religiously. I still don't know exactly what a participle is but if I see one dangling I call 911 immediately.You should also be on the watch. Also see Mark Twins essay "English as She is Taught" 1887. Here's an excerpt: Every sentance should always begin with a caterpillar.An equestrian is one who asks aquestion. Funny stuff. Both yours and Twains, that is! Count Confused Sneaky
Count Sneaky
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Thanks for the tip...and for your nice comment.
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I remember being taught to avoid dangling participals at all costs in the fifth grade. I don't know what the hell they are, but if I ever see one I'm calling 911. Count Confused Sneaky
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