I Suppose It's Time
For years the authorities and media have been hounding me with questions. I’m certain you’ve all heard of the incident in which I hit a parked car on the left side of the road when I was sixteen years old. It was in all the paper.
Here’s what happened. I was making a right turn on the north edge of town as I reached to set my stocking cap on the passenger’s seat beside a box that had overturned. As my right hand lowered to its task my left hand followed suit, veering my Dad’s ’69 Biscayne into a parked Buick in front of the local Librarian’s house.
Though I pressed for only a brief mention of the accident under “Court News” on the third (or what locals called the “next to the last”) page, this only served to foster continued rumor and speculation. Innuendo swirled around my growing silence. The paparazzi just couldn’t let it go.
Stories insinuating the occasion was the result of an altercation with my hamster, Ophelia, were completely unfounded. Sure, she nipped my finger, occasionally, and the previous Saturday I admired one of the guinea pigs at the Ben Franklin store in a neighboring town, but I didn’t pet it. I didn’t even lift it out of its cage!
And the .22 caliber rifle was on the back seat because I was on my way to go squirrel hunting with a friend. Contrary to popular belief, that wasn’t Ophelia in the box on the seat beside my cap.
I hope I can finally consider this matter closed.
Your case is closed, but there is a bigger cat out there that is going to remain under scrutiny. He had a reputation as an outstanding driver. But now it appears he is just going to play it where he lies.
Reply to this
You mean the press is following another accident?
Reply to this
I suppose now you will miss your golf tournament?
Reply to this
Squash. And I just bought a new racket. Dang.
Reply to this
Even though you failed to explain to reporters what in tarnation you were doing outside at that precise time, I'm sure that your lucrative arrangement with Amazon.com will remain secure.
Cheers,
Mitch
Reply to this
If Amazon calls you, give them my number.
Reply to this
It was the librarian's hamster, Fidelio, was it not? How long had you been seeing the Librarian? And about the child support payments and the little matter of 1,648 over-due books? The affair was kept silent after you paid stiff fines, was it not. Marion the Librarian, after the payoff, retired to the Seychelles and the charge of menage a trois, of which you were the unnamed party, was dropped
and the tabloids quickly lost interest.
You were rejected by the 7th grade golf team and resumed your pursuit of Miss Franzetti,the Italian teacher.I would not have brought all this up, except for the large amount of money a reality-series producer offered me who was interested in Miss Franzetti. My best
Reply to this
Okay, if anyone actually offers to buy that load of crap, I get a cut.
Reply to this
Whoever said there's no such thing as bad publicity?
Reply to this
Yeah, that's a bit of wisdom gone terribly bad, isn't it?
Reply to this
I dunno, this all looks very suspicious. A detachment of my special investigators will be going over your life with a toothcomb. This is very expensive, as toothcombs are hard to come by. Hope you appreciate it.
Reply to this
I'm very grateful, Chris. My life hasn't been groomed is such a long time.
Reply to this
Isn't it amazing how quickly the world forgets. First comes:shock, then:awe,
then:brief, but intense interest, then:
who?... It is finally closed.
Reply to this
Yes. It is amazing. From all perspectives.
Reply to this
I always remember an epitaph which is in the cemetery at Tombstone, Arizona. It says: 'Here lies Jack Williams. He done his damnedest.' I think that is the greatest epitaph a man can have - When he gives everything that is in him to do the job he has before him. That is all you can ask of him and that is what I have tried to do.
Reply to this